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(This post has been already published in Digital Market Asia: http://bit.ly/12oVKsA)

I am inspired by two studies, the McKinsey Consumer Decision Journey, (20,000 consumers in three continents and five verticals, 2010) and ZMOT – or the Zeroth Moment of Truth (based on a study run by Google and Shopper Sciences early in 2012, looking at the purchase journey for 3,000 shoppers in tech, CPG, auto and finance). While they differ in details and action-ability, they provide a framework to understand and master the complexities of a completely fragmented customer journey. ZMOT provided a framework for seamless digital ubiquity across multiple touch-points. What’s increasingly happening is what is known as the ‘Internet of things’.

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The acceleration and ubiquity of HTTP has made it possible to layer interactivity onto the 3D space (a restaurant, venue, stadium etc.), that is real time, social and capable of scaling quickly. Everything now has an HTTP layer. (Newspapers of the future will be made of interactive plastics that run TCP/IP and are biodegradable to boot). The web is more interoperable, meaning a more seamless experience, completely seamless for Social experiences and building of a consistent Social Graph.

While this is exciting from a communications standpoint, it makes the measurement and discovery of the ‘story’ even more challenging for marketers and practitioners. We will soon be looking for a Single Cookie across platforms, devices and time in general, that will measure all touch points with the brand. But that will take time, until we’re all implanted with RFID tags or something else that lets our brains and bodies plug in to the HTTP with some sort of arduino device.

What this means for Practitioners?

The skill-sets of understanding the possibilities offered up by Space-Time HTTP Ubiquity and translating this into actual business and marketing outcomes for brands are complex, technical and Creative Minds that understand mash-ups, APIs and are sometimes really from Outer Space (just joking). Strange and beautiful, like that song by Joe Satriani!

At LIQVD Asia, we have a vision of being early adopters in the monetisation of Space-Time HTTP Ubiquity. We will combine principles of ZMOT mastery (Hyperlocality, cross-media agnosticism, completely obsessive and smart measurement and attribution, and the ability to story-tell) in this age of Brand Identity Curation (which is about brands being the net outcome of the conversations their stories spark within the Social Graph – but more about that later).

This strange goulash of skills will increasingly be sought after by brands as they try and manage this new strange and beautiful world of Internet of Things.

We are getting ready for the new 2013, where are you?

The changing face of SEO

The changing face of SEO

Penguin & Panda

The internet enables people to go from being just customers to become members of a company or co-creators in the culture surrounding a product. The consequences of this is much larger than we give it credit for – and the reason for us underestimating the potential of change is our ability to give huge measurements, mediocre names and tags not fit to reflect the potential of change that they carry. By referencing several of these current changes as social media, digital media, mobile media or new age media, we limit the perspective and reach of our ideas. We see these activities as satellites outside of core business, insignificantly flirting with the customers compared to the bigger commercial changes we are not taking notice of.

The world is changing and this time it is the individuals’ control of their own everyday life, driven by the access to and liberation through technology giving them a voice and a presence. Sharp increases in higher education, standards of living, social complexity, and longevity over the past century gave rise to a new desire for individual self-determination: having control over what matters, having one’s voice heard, and having social connections on one’s own terms.

The leading edge of consumption is now moving from products and services to tools and relationships enabled by interactive technologies. Amazon, Apple, eBay, and YouTube are familiar examples of companies trying to provide the power in the hands of consumer.
The last time we experienced a change of this magnitude was with the arrival of mass production, when products reserved for the elites where being made available for the masses (for example in auto industry think of Henry Ford and the Model T). Shoshana Zuboff, former professor in business administration at the Harvard Business School wrote in an article in the McKinsey Quarterly in 2010 about a new chapter in capitalism. Something that historically happens every 100 years; new chapters emerge when the demand from the market acquires a new pattern, which businesses have to accommodate. This ends in conflict and new businesses come in from the bottom and deliver on the demand that old businesses can’t meet.

We are standing at the doorstep of years with great strain on business foundations and models. Participation and dialogue can be one of the answers, but it has to be implemented at the business level, not as an activity driven exclusively by the marketing and communications department. By referencing this as digital media, we are standing in an era of mass production and looking at ourselves in the mirror.

This is not about one single tool entertaining customers or allowing the creative brains to experiment as the business itself is doing ‘business as usual’. Technology has forced through new consumer habits and created a time for great change – affecting how businesses think about demand and offer. Even if these are slow mechanisms, which require maturing, we have to ignite our ideas and believe in bigger things.

Five ways I suggest welcoming this change
Uncomplicate: The reason large parts of the corporate internet is boring, difficult and of little direct use/effect is because we are unnecessarily complicating it. For example, why on earth do we need to fill up an eight field form while trying to use FREE Wi-Fi at Delhi airport? Why on my personalised banking web page only 15 per cent is dedicated to my personal banking and 85 per cent of real estate goes to marketing, navigation and completely uninteresting bank/CRM stuff? Are they in the business of media channel and marketing? The internet is simple, and should be simple. Unfortunately we are thinking of it with the wrong mindset; as something complicated, something that doesn’t work, something we don’t understand.

Presence: All traditional marketing, advertising and designs are built around a core idea of transmitting a thought process of a creative bunch creating anticipation towards the use or consumption of a product or service in a given situation. Inside this mindset, digital offers some abilities that are new and speeds up some abilities that are old. But in essence digital is nothing more than a technological option – a choice between newspaper, billboard, TV, radio or internet, etc. Traditional marketing delivers a promise to the consumer, but has never been able to deliver on this promise – this responsibility is handed to the product and business design team. What online has done is something much bigger than offer new extensions to media, or surfaces – it’s creating presence in people’s lives – we are designing and building meeting places between the brand and the customer. Equal in importance to the product design itself

Meeting place: Consumer experiences and brand propositions are often involved in a typical Venn diagram where the overlap gives birth to a common ground that becomes a favourable arena for brands. However, what we have done up till now is limit our thinking of what online can do based on a narrow view of what marketing can do without paying much attention to this arena exactly like traditional media. Traditional advertising and design has one goal: to deliver a promise, either based on what the consumer wants to become, or what the brand wants to become. But what happens when marketing changes, digital walks out in the road for real? Start treating that overlap hyperbole as an opportunity where you can meet the consumer face-to-face and create experiences that are remarkable and therefore, sharable. Make your presence felt in their lives beyond banner ads each time they log in to Facebook, Yahoo, etc.

Activities: The internet, since the beginning, has been all about information; ‘content is king’ and all that. But this is no longer necessarily true. The internet is only partly an information platform. In fact, as an information platform it even has some clear and present weaknesses. The more interesting question is not how we can make the internet better at information, but at seamlessly improving our everyday life? And information is seldom the solution to this; it is much more interesting to look at how the internet can help us do stuff.

Relationships: The internet was originally, and still is, a great mechanism for direct response; being instrumental to a lot of the business value generated directly from the net today. But, at the same time as it is changing sales and market presence world-wide, it is also turning out/developing abilities positioning it as one of the best arenas for connecting and offering a valuable, relevant and present relationship with customers. The internet has grown into a platform for cultivating and capitalising on a new generation of customer relationships, those that change behaviours.

“We are at the lightbulb stage of the internet,” said Jeff Bexox, CEO, Amazon, and decoding the same today I feel that it is too early for us to get boxed in any definitions, silos and make things unnecessarily complex and boring. Let us rather focus on simple solutions which are remarkable and extends the joy of experiencing our brand propositions in the real life, making it sharable.

(the story was published on Exchange4Media earlier: http://bit.ly/W4WcPa)

Why i should attend a TEDx?

A forum like TED/TEDx is like a brewery! You have ideas all around you. You have people who are raring to contribute to the societal growth, development of communities across the globe. Its power of change in your own hands. No body stops a good deed, at least i believe so, in the end you get to see a ray of hope anyway. I am looking for that ray of hope, i have an IDEA, only an IDEA, which i intend to implement to bring empowerment to people who are talented in the parallels of what our society thinks is the only way to success. A new committed community development trust to identify, encourage and empower born-athletes to pick up games they are naturally inclined to. A consortium that will change the fate of Indian Sports – beyond Cricket. But that just the gore of the concept. However, the highlight is that it actually eventually enhance a specific segment of the society who other wise would have not got anything. A concept to shine the sparks, community devoted to ensure a 20,20 metal hawl at the 2020 olympics for India.

Digital Media will re-establish the Satya Yuga

An abstract thought on the importance of digital media and how slowly the same is moving us to a better life.

I had this thought for a few weeks now and have been re-considering the same before I decided to share this with all. It’s a kind of funny analogy but I believe there is a lot of merit in it, considering many marketers are still grappling with the ways and means of this new invasion called socio-search to the digital space. Coming from an era of “captive” marketing, brands are scared of this demand and feedback based ecosystem. This article, thus, will essentially reconnect marketers with the core basics of life and map them with the new age marketing dynamics and more so for the digital leg of it. Simple techniques of being fair and truthful to the consumer through elevated experiences will win over many others. No rocket science, eternal truth correlated to the most modern marketing ethos, over here.

As per the Hindu mythology, the yugas are said to succeed each other almost endlessly. After the perfect Satya Yuga, a decline marks the Treta Yuga. Further decline brings about the Dwapara Yuga, and after it comes the final and dark Kali Yuga, a time of wickedness, when man kills another man the one we are all in. At the end of this era and during an auspicious time, Vishnu’s Incarnation Kalki shall take birth in a Brahmin family. This mighty, intelligent and valiant incarnation shall engage in good of all benefactors.

Hiya! That’s all folks! No offense but I guess most of us think that these are just stories and nothing like these could have happened to the mankind. I won’t deny I am also quite an atheist when it comes to a complete submission to such mythologies.  But recently, a change of heart has happened and I can see through these ageless sayings and probably understand the nuances of sublime faith and piousness. As they say the perceived meaning of any sayings is in the heart of the believer and not at the literal translation of what is said and what it probably had meant. Everything requires a relevant customization, a situational interpretation.

It is widely believed that in the holy and divine Satya yuga, Bhagwan Kalki shall destroy all the dacoits and robbers -all things – which are unfair, untrue and shall establish the auspicious ideals and principles propounded by Lord Brahma after which he shall go to the forest to practice penance. And in this age, all would be inclined towards the supreme knowledge and all actions performed would be in the intention of attaining celestial bliss. Satya Yuga, as the name depicts is all about the truth, is all about value and all about believing in the collective intelligence of pious people. I am wondering if we have started seeing the signs of the same already? May be? May be not?

Google’s Search+, Facebook’s search and this entire phenomenon of Socio-search is probably the 1st step towards that.  Digital marketing has become mainstream in many parts of the world for past half a decade, a country like India is catching up fast.  Brands/marketers are smart and they learn things quick. So it is pretty easy for today’s brands to try to capitalize various advanced digital marketing techniques and attain a level of success they aspire.

However, that’s not how it’s going to be any more. Paid bursts won’t create ripples for long. It will buy eyeballs but can’t emulate historic level of consumer trust. Increasing infusion of social and sharable features will take the game away from marketers even more.  Are you getting what I am trying to say? May be not. Let’s try to simplify things here.

For example, let’s look at how Google search+ functions. Search has always brought you information from across the web. Now, search gets better by including photos, posts, and more from you and your friends. A little help from your friends is what this product thrives on. We all turn to people we know and trust for great recommendations. With personal results, you’ll see relevant tips, photos, and posts from your friends right alongside results from the web. Personal results are marked with an icon so you know they’re just for you. 

Think of a world where every or the other search result about your brand that pops up to your consumer is actually a function of recommendations, relevance and past experiences from people who have already used your product. Is there anyway you can afford to do anything else than creating a much elevated brand experience for your consumers, knowing that these are those important experiences that will drive future interactions with your potential audience base? Will you still be wishing “good morning/good night” to your consumers on your brand page? Would you still take a chance to not call back a consumer who tried contacting your Call Centre 48 hrs ago? Would you still hire a social agency to respond on time or ensure that your real life product quality really hits the node with every possibility? Will you not be bothered about delivering quality more than ever before considering you have very little to push back? I think, one would! Digital, especially social media will ensure you maintain the quality you claim to deliver each time and that’s it: we are in Satya Yuga as consumers!

So my quick tips for brands to be ready for the Satya Yuga:

  • Be Genuine:  Good, bad, ugly; you got to be keeping up to the pace of what’s happening around. Thank your customers for everything good they say, Own up to your mistakes and try to pacify the ugly with a definite intent!
  • Experience matters most:  Fans need enough ammunition to talk about your brand on their own.  Make them proud to be associated with you, give them fire power, they will fire. No, not incentives, I am talking about the pride one gets by associating with you. Infuse the thought within your product development cycle
  • Team up: When you meet people who talk positive about you, try to find out what made them do so. Team up with them; ensure you continue to deliver such high standards. Ensure the positivity is scaled up
  • Blast from past: Nobody likes their favorite brand to make the same mistake over and over again and especially the ones we hate. Deploy an active learning sheet to note down things that didn’t work and ensure they aren’t repeated. However, vice versa isn’t true. Over usage of strategies that worked will also experience decline in consumer interaction
  • Listen more, talk less: A fine line between sound and noise, don’t forget that. Brands need to listen more engagingly than make a lot of noise. [My next article “the art of listening” will elaborate this topic]

 In this way all these divine people (read consumers) would be bestowed with sublime faith and piousness. They would effortlessly attain sublimity or union with God, which is a salient feature of Satya yuga. Very valiant, mighty, intelligent people gifted with all good qualities will ensure your brand reaches newer heights that one wouldn’t have other wise.

(This has already been posted at: http://goo.gl/o5PV7)

Technology is today ruling our lives. Be it professional or personal, technology – hardware as well as software plays a major role in all that we do. It helps us in doing major tasks at home and office as well as communicating with our peers in office and our friends and relatives on social networks, e-mails, video chat etc. The pace with which all this is happening baffles us at times. 
 
For the generation of today keeping abreast with the changing and emerging technology relevant to their field of work has become imperative. Although a lot is being developed and discussed in technology, I feel there are a few landmark developments that are set to rule out lives in the next few years. Some of them I have briefly dwelt upon here.  
 
#1: From Facebook to Placebook – Connected Cities
 
More and more companies conduct campaigns and surveys on social networking sites like Facebook to determine their buying references, tastes and behavior. The modern city is thus becoming a pointer system, the new URL, for tomorrow’s hybrid digital physical environment. I would call it Placebook complementing Facebook. Explosive innovation and adoption of computing, mobile devices, and rich sources of data are changing the cities in which we live, work, and play. Example an ice-cream manufactures operating a chain of retail outlets in a city looking at the facebook places, foursquare check in data points along with their tweets, updates about preferred ice-cream flavor and accordingly serving customers, offering discount on sales of the largest selling flavor locally.
 
#2: Taking computer out of computing
 
A pattern of computing is emerging where interactions with technology will be conversational. We’ll literally talk to them and they to us. Voice Recognition is a key enabler of this. A lot of computing companies and those in other sectors like automobiles are quickly adopting this. Employing voice command to control operations and control is the in thing! Mobile phones, Computers, Cars, Washing Machines, and Microwaves everything will soon hear you speak and react.
 
#3: Quantified selves
 
We are seeing the launch of open data aggregation platforms that provide API’s for 3rd Party sensors, front-end applications, and analysis engines. A self tracking enthusiast will be able to merge spotify, nike+ and withings data to see a comprehensive overview of her health and life style. Humanized suggestions that prompt and guide individual actions will be higher than ever before. A liquor manufacturer offering the 1st beer free across all pubs in a country to people who carry a specific QR code in their mobile phones as a gesture of being a brand fanatic and supporting it is a fine example of this.
 
#4: Convergence causing  specialization
 
For the past decade we have been seeing a convergence of multiple pieces of hardware into fewer generalist devices. The smart phone is the almost perfect example of the convergent digital device. It has absorbed much of the most common use cases for portable devices like music and video consumption, digital photo and video capture, email and calendar, and of course voice. But because of this, when users are purchasing a dedicated device, they are gravitating towards product with higher quality and better design to elevate their experiences. 
 
#5: Interaction choreography
 
User interaction with technology is going above the glass. It’s raining tech here in India. We no longer need an explicit tool or even direct manipulation to drive user interface. With the ability of technology, to see user’s movements in space, gestures are being added to traditional layers of interaction. For example we have smart TV’s that respond to voice commands and hand gestures to change programmes. The manufacturer is able to plan marketing initiatives around such newer experiences and thus drive usage patterns and product sales.
 
#6: Smart phone innovations
 
Smart phones are making significant in-roads into an entirely new segment: the lower end of the mass market and the “base of the pyramid”. Some Indian mobile manufactures have captured a notable market shares offering high end smart phone services in sub Rs 5000 phones. The features almost match high end phones and offer rich user experiences like social networking, net surfing and 3Gs. These smart phones will not be notable for hardware innovations, as they’re stripped down versions of their more expensive and feature-packed brethren. However, they will be notable for a large population of Indians who aspire for high end smart phones. Everyday there are new applications that are driving and making our lives easy. No wonder mobile is the fastest developing thing in India and no one can afford to ignore the mobile penetration be it a product manufacturer or a digital advertiser.
 
Hence, dream! Dream for what ever you can think of. The tomorrow is right here, a tomorrow like never before. A tomorrow, right out of the Sci-fi movies. Think of a world where everything is flat and convergent. Tomorrow’s consumer will just have few screens where they would like the brands they love to interact with them creating a seamless experience and providing information they need through SO-LO-MO touch points. Technovation is going to be the key decisive factor for consumer mind space. Ideas + Technology + Risk Taking ability are going to drive the excellence and thus market leadership for brands.

How Google Is Trying to Kill SEO!

Google is trying to kill SEO and has been for some time now. Don’t believe me? I think this infographic will change your mind. Recently the team over at WordStream put together this infographic with the purpose of helping online marketers understand the rise of PPC with Google and the market share it is gaining over SEO, particularly with keywords that have “purchasing intent.”

And while the infographic does a good job explaining this market share rise for PPC it also reveals a bigger problem. The strategic war on SEO. If you are in any way involved in Organic Internet Marketing I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read through this.

It’s not very hard to understand why the Yahoo board offered her the job, but it’s much harder to understand why she would accept it, given publicly available knowledge about her power at Google and the relative positions of Google and Yahoo.

if you’re in Silicon Valley right now, ask anyone you know, “Assuming that being Yahoo’s CEO would do nothing for you financially, would you take the job?” How many of your friends, colleagues, inner circle are stepping up to the plate here for this? My guess is pretty much none of them. 

Why? Yahoo has been a mess for a really, really, really long time. It’s been a mess even when very serious, earnest, caring people who were trying hard to make a difference were in the CEO’s office whether they were founders (Jerry Yang), media execs (Terry Semel), Valley legends (Carol Bartz) or people with a tendency to exaggerate their job credentials on their resume.

I don’t know Marissa Mayer personally, but as Google has grown over the past decade, it’s been impossible not to become familiar with her. She’s been a public face at Google for a long time — and outside the Big Three, there aren’t many of those — and she’s been associated with a lot of important projects at Google. Five years as VP of Search, most recently in charge of Maps, Location and Local. No doubt due to being employee No. 20 at Google and having remained with the company all this time, she has been compensated prodigiously. Inside of Google (by nearly all accounts), and throughout the tech world, she is respected, given credit for helping keep the Good Ship Google on an even keel, and has earned her placed among a small pantheon of women executives that we can all hope will inspire the next generation of girls to believe you can do absolutely anything.

All that said, 13 years of Google is a long time. From 20 people to north of 33,000 prior to swallowing Motorola Mobility (does Google now have 50,000 people working there?), from thousands in revenues to $40 billion. Things have changed. The challenges have changed. The culture has changed. Oh, yeah, and there’s a really, really good chance she was never going to be promoted to CEO. Not only is that job held by one of the company’s founders, another one is still around too. 

Check out this page: http://www.google.com/about/comp… 

You need to be a Senior Vice President to even get on that page. Many folks on it have also been with Google for a decade or more. Management is broad and deep. 

Sometimes, you look at what you’ve already accomplished, assess where you are, and wonder where you could be if you challenged yourself. It seems clear that the Yahoo opportunity is that for Marissa Mayer. And let’s be clear, even if she leapfrogged over two dozen people and someday became CEO of Google — which would doubtless be a fascinating job — it’s not a job that takes the guts of being CEO of Yahoo.

Sure, you’re going to say, “You know, everyone expects her to fail so there’s really no downside. It’s all upside.” And, well, there’s a modicum of truth to that. But it’s only a modicum. Yahoo is not going to go under in the next several years after its partial Asian-asset sale.

(Free advice Ms. Mayer.: Sell off the rest or find some way to spin them off as a separate entity. They’re a huge distraction and you want the stock to be purely viewed as Yahoo. Let your performance be measured by your creation of value in Yahoo, not the machinations of Alibaba.)

Presumably, the board has given her a strong sense that the company is also not for sale, but rather hers to turn around and make new again. The fact is, the world has valued Yahoo itself at zero for several years (back out the cash and the market value of those Asian assets as they’ve fluctuated and this is a more than reasonable case). At zero, the company had no buyers. Now it has cast someone as a savior. And let’s be clear, this is very different than hiring a new CEO like Scott Thompson. This is hiring someone who was integral to the growth of Google during the period where it buried Yahoo and left it for dust.

Marissa Mayer is at a point in her life where she could never work again and her children’s children’s children could live quite well. She’s at the point where she’d probably be coveted by nearly every non-profit looking for an executive director who could get things done, bring in donors, use her considerable charisma to bring attention to a cause, etc. Or she could try to do the impossible. Again, I don’t know her, so perhaps she was noodling on what the impossible for her was, “I could start a company that would….” and then this came along.

Yahoo in many ways pioneered the consumer internet. It was Google before there was Google, the glue that held together your internet experience. It once sat atop the world as Google does today. It got knocked off, rolled so far down hill, came to rest in a ditch, got covered by some dirt and rocks, most people had long along forgotten it. Today, one of the people who started that landslide finally climbed off the mountain to see if there were any jewels buried among the wreckage.

She has clearly decided there are. Most of the rest of us stopped caring a long time ago. In fact, were it not for some pitched battles among hedge funds with the Yahoo board, the revolving door at the CEO’s office and the Asian-asset drama, I really doubt Yahoo the company would have been in the news for the past 5 years. It would have been just fading away… But all that drama and the billions in cash that will ultimately be at Yahoo’s disposal represents an opportunity for someone with limitless faith to try to remake it into something new and better.

Marissa Mayer took the job because she believes Yahoo can be restored to some kind of glory. And she believes she can make that happen. The Board knows that this hire will probably be their last, best chance to convince the outside world that the first of those is indeed true. May she live in interesting times!

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(Compiled of Quora)

 

 

This time around I don’t claim to have written this either. Not because I couldn’t have, just because this is kind of betraying one’s own race! But still there are few things I always had a laugh about and the following 50 points are the closest to those closeted moments I had/have/will have in my life like many reading this today! As they say once a bangali always a bangali! So all the girls who felt bad about my last post, this one is dedicated to you all with a message that….. “My name is Mitra and I am not sexist”.

Here you go…

 

1. So much about Bengali men is about food. A significant number of contemporary Bengali men, unlike their forefathers, condemn fish. Excepting ilish, for the men love it too. “I don’t have fish, only ilish,” many men have been heard confessing in a tender moment. Since they love ilish, they will not care if others do so as well. Love makes them blind. The men will have the best peti (belly piece), for they say they are afraid of the kaantas, fishbones. Ilish abounds in them, which makes it a challenge. Women, at some point in their life, learn to tackle the kaantas, but confronting them able-bodied men become bashful and tremble. It pays off. Women are left to work their way through the thick-with-bones gaada pieces and men just sit back and allow the ilish to work on them. Eventually, the women get to liking chewing the bones and they are considered sexy while they are at it — remember the photographer-lover looking at Paroma in the film of the same name?

Anyway, if men won’t have fish, why do they relish the best parts of ilish? You see it rhymes, which is not a coincidence. Ilish is poetry — and Bengali men have exclusive rights over both.

They hog conversations the same way.

 

 

 

2. A similar Powerpoint presentation will explain why the leg piece of the chicken is also reserved for the man at the table. There is an additional reason here. Growing Bengali boys, who keep growing into growing Bengali boys, need more “protein”, which is good for the “brain”. The “brain”, when encased within the head of a boy, is a collective Bengali obsession. Nurtured by his parents, Horlicks and chicken legs, it will be a potent weapon when he grows up: it will be the highest point reached by a man with a steady, decent job, besides being the embodiment of sex appeal. A Bengali man draws women towards him with his “brain”. For these reasons the popular Bengali sayings: Maachher muro khao, brain-er pokkhe bhalo (Have fishhead, it’s good for the brain); TV dekho na, brain-er pokkhe kharap (Don’t watch TV, it’s bad for the brain); Beshi khela dhula brain-er pokkhe kharap (Too much sport is bad for the brain); Amartya Sen maachher maatha kheye boro hoyechhen (Amartya Sen grew up on fishheads). Fishheads being another powerful Bengali obsession.

3. But men actually look down on women for chewing fishbones. Or for eating green chillis on the side with their meals. There’s a suggestion of corruption or perversion about these two things — as if a clean piece of fish is morally superior and liking the bones is an unmentionable proclivity. Or liking a hot green chilli is slightly carnal. As a character in Tagore’s short story Khudhito Pashan, dismissive about women, put it: women love hot chillis, sour tamarind and a stern husband. Though he didn’t specify which was the worst for her.

4. Chicken roll.

5. Egg chicken roll.

6. Double egg chicken roll.

7. The Sunday mutton lunch. After which men can only go to sleep.

8. They really don’t want to go to the bazaar, not even to the AC retail stores for grocery or vegetable shopping, especially the new-age Bengali man. The way he tiptoes through the fish market makes the wife cringe.

9. Many men still make that slurping sound as they eat. They sneeze, cough and yawn louder.

10. They expect women to serve them at the dinner table. At least she should be urging him on to the right bowls.

11. They expect the women will carry the dirty dishes to the sink, clear the table and put away the remnants in the right containers.

12. If they do put the food away, the fridge looks like a battlefield, with several things dismembered, dismantled and oozing liquids. In any case, they would never clean the refrigerator. Ditto for the cooking gas.

13. When they are drunk they invoke Robi Thakur (Rabindranath Tagore). Then they tend to go for the cosmic, namely, Debabrata’s rendition of Akash bhora surjo tara, after which they have dinner.

14. But then when they are sober why are they still discussing Sachin Tendulkar versus Sourav Ganguly, and backing Dada to win?

15. In public, they admire Nandita Das. In secret, they want to be Salman Khan.

16. Rare is the Bengali man who looks good in a formal suit. He stops midway into it. He looks square. Or round. But proud. If you ask him why, he is likely to say that intellect is inversely proportional to height in his part of the world. He can be smug, very smug.

17. Which doesn’t take away from the fact that few Bengali men look good in jeans and a tee.

18. For the same reason, they seem to be rolling on the dance floor. From where they are often not picked up. Understandably.

19. They want biryani even at a Chinese restaurant. And chow mien at a mughlai eatery. Poor binary creatures.

20 . Only men can get to organize pujas and ignore everything else for four days.

21 .Their genjis. (Vests)

22 .Their paijamas.

23 .Once they would only be doctors, engineers or IAS officers. Now they will be MBAs. The rest is “same to same”.

24 .Their stock of jokes is small and oft-repeated, especially in family circles. Such as the one on the various kinds of baldness. It ends with the variety in which only a few strands of hair remain. It is called Smritituku thak (forget me not). But as one has heard it since childhood, one has to remember to laugh hard. Outside family circles one common joke is: “Age no bar, caste no bar etc…”

25 .They will wear the dhuti for a wedding, but not before turning the household upside down. The dhuti has to be located first, sent to the laundry, and has to have the gile work done on it. Same for the addir punjabi. Then the gold Punjabi (Kurtas as we they call it) buttons have to be located. In fact, every time a punjabi is worn, locating the buttons is the woman’s job. The wearing of the dhuti itself is an event. There is at least one assistant, sometimes two, to help with it. Some men have worn the dhuti only on the occasion of their marriage — and their relatives still remember it, blow-by-blow. The end-result is certainly not worth the fuss that goes into it.

26 .Romance means lots of poetry and sublimity.

27 .They think growing hair on their upper lip will make them more “manly”.

28 .Men are reluctant to make the bed, open the windows in the morning or make the morning pot of tea. Most of all they are uncooperative about hanging the mosquito net. It shakes the foundation of marriage.

29 .Their after-work activities include watching soaps like Bou Kotha Kao, Durga, Ekhane Akash Neel and game shows like Dadagiri, Dance Bangla Dance, but they pretend only the wives watch serials.

30 .They part their hair. (Left, Right, Middle etc)

31 .They scoff at Dan Brown’s “poor language”, but devour his thrillers anyway.

32 .Dressed as they are in their executive suits, they are often sighted at a sweet shop gorging on langcha, mishti doi or telebhaja at the para shops, looking guilty, before returning home from work.

33 .They not only have an opinion about everything but they think they take the right decision in everything, though this could be a universal male trait.

34 .The television remote lands in his hands the moment he returns from work and stays there till he goes to sleep. But office phone calls don’t end. So he sits there with the remote in one hand and the phone in the other. This could be another universal male trait.

35 .Of course it’s okay to stay with his family. If she does, she is being a good woman in these selfish times. Of course it’s not okay to stay with hers. If he does, he is being a wimp in the traditional sense.

36 .He will insist that she looks beautiful, hot in fact, wearing sindur along with jeans, when she knows she is looking downright uncool.

37 .On online networking sites, Bengali men show a high tendency towards matrimony.

38 .They may not know the language. But they know the choicest Bangla gaalis and use them liberally.

39 .They like to pat their pot bellies in private. Sometimes in public.

40 .All nursery rhyme heroes are boys. Khoka goes fishing, goes to the river of milk, goes to hunt, goes to get married, while Khuku sits at home, learning to cook, waiting to get married or just plain crying. Obviously Khoka will face several adjustment problems when he grows up.

41. They are less chivalric compared with men from other Indian communities, many women report.

42. Many Bengali men think they are from Brazil. Which is why they go rabid during the World Cup.

43. During summer, they will smear their chests in slow motion with talcum powder before going to bed.

44 .If you are going to Digha, they will definitely advise you to have vodka mixed with coconut water on the beach.

45. If he’s there himself, he will drink it, wearing nothing but a beach hat and “baarmudas”.

46.-50 .The Bengali boy’s mother thinks he’s “flawless”. He secretly agrees.

 

 

(Sources:Telegraph, 2009, HT 2010, various blogs, FB notes, #bongtips on FB )

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